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My daughter is home for a morning from school for a doctor's appointment. This little girl these days seems so uncomfortably, yet beautifully stuck in a world living somewhere between big kid and little kid. She is so smart, and curious and loving. Additionally, she is asking hard questions, finding parameters and boundaries and trying to understand social dynamics and peer relationships. It's such a tough spot and sometimes it feels like we're doing things right while other times I feel so completely helpless, like I'm just sitting on my hands desperately wanting to do what's right and also to just stop the inevitable and rewind; the inevitable, of course, being just simply, her growing up.
This morning, we walked together into the doctor's office and I took note of how she grabbed my hand, skipping alongside me as we entered. Wonderful moments that used to be everyday and are now just a little less often.
She stops me and points to a large sign with a man in a suit on it. The words around it indicate it is a welcome sign for a new doctor.
"Mama? What's that?" she says, pointing to the sign.
"It's just a sign, baby."My mind is somewhere else. Probably on finding out exactly where we are supposed to be as I've just realized we are in the wrong doctor's office and now late to our scheduled appointment. She is persistent and curious...
"But, mama... who is that on the sign? Who is that person?"
"Uh...you know, I don't really know honey. It looks like he's a new doctor here."I'm trying to usher her out quickly, thinking already of how to find an address to our next stop and how we are new patients and certainly not ten minutes early to fill out paperwork as we had planned.
"Mama? What's a car... cardio, um... cardio electrolllooogissst? "I stop and take a deep breath. Focus on her and try to see what it is she's talking about.
"What, love? What are you asking me?I see quickly it's still about the sign. I stop, look at the suited man closer and see the words under him say that he is a cardio electrologist (whatever that is) and sure enough they are welcoming him to the practice.
"That says cardio electrologist, Peanut. See, that's his job - he must be a new doctor here and they are using this sign to welcome him. You know, Baby, maybe you could be a cardio electrologist when you grow up. What do you think? I'm not sure what a cardio electrologist does, but it is a doctor who I bet has something to do with the human heart."I'm often terribly hard on myself and this moment is no different. Instantly, I'm mentally reprimanding myself wondering why I didn't just go there to begin with. Answer her question. Apply it. Give her information.
But before I could be too harsh with my own faults, she interrupts my thoughts and answers my question.
"You know, I just may do that. Daddy told me a bedtime story last night about a beautiful little girl who grew up and became a surgeon. He told me I could be anything I wanted to be, - even a surgeon, mama!"::::::::::::::::
And, well... that's it. All over again. In this moment, I fell in love completely with this man, her daddy, - all. over. again.
We want to give our children everything. To be everything for them. It is in these moments that I realize I cannot ever do it all or be it all. And it is also at these times - and so many others - when I find myself beyond grateful that my daughter has a daddy who also guides her gently through in between land; who tucks her in at night with her stuffed animals and baby blanket all the while effortlessly telling her bedtime stories of little girls who can grow up to be not only princesses but also beautiful surgeons.
~K
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