I am uncertain about so very much right now. I am trying to hear a voice, see a sign, feel a certainty… and I doubt everything.
Am I doing the right thing? Have I done the right thing? And unsinkable ships do, in fact, sink. Apparently when you least expect it.
I spend time each day reinforcing the importance of positivity and taking notice and appreciating hope and on and on and on. I really do try to be genuine with what it is that I write about.
So how then… did I find myself in this position? Of wondering if I said it enough… showed it enough… of wondering if someone so important to me knows how huge of an impact they played in my life?
I cry. And sleep. And eat. (Note to self… It would be nice to handle this sadness by quitting eating rather than visiting every Mexican restaurant in town trying to drown my grief in guacamole.)
Am I a fraud? How can I be so uncertain? Am I fooling myself trying to think one way or another? Am I over thinking it? Is my mind playing tricks on me? Bottom line. I am a mess.
And so I then I cry. I reapply makeup. Cry some more. Beg God, the Universe, my parents… for some kind of answer…. some kind of feeling, anything. I’ve been doing this for a week now, grieving, questioning, mourning…while my grandfather dies.
A few hours ago, my little girl looked at me in my eyes and said so simply, with such heartfelt words:
“It bothers me when you’re so upset mommy.”
So much for hiding things.
Then, my little boy has had nightmares all night and trouble sleeping. Could it be anything? Sure. But could it also very easily be due to the fact he watched my display of overflowing tears all day today…. and yesterday….and the day before, helping through confusion, wipe my tears with his baby hands? Most likely.
And so then it happened.
That’s when I heard it - your voice, crystal clear, my Pop Pop. When you in some way, through some deep indelible print you’ve left on my memory, … spoke to me. I heard your voice, sternly speaking to me.
“Quit upsetting your damn kids.”
I know. My a-ha moment from you. Hardly profound. To the point. Laced with inappropriate language. Very serious when referring to the welfare of children. But that’s how I knew they were your words. Words that I know you would say. Words that I have heard you say in other situations.
And then I checked my email and there was a message that said simply, ‘Allow yourself to feel what you know is true.”
There it was. My some kind of certainty. Today’s small bit of positive. I will quit upsetting my kids. And I will make sure they have a wonderful Easter… full of many loving and funny stories of their great grandfather, one of the greatest men there ever was, because the only memories they will have of him are the ones that I provide...and he is too good to taint that goodness they deserve to hear about with any more sadness.
All for today.
~K
