Today is April 5th. Though maybe it was the 4th…
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I hung my American flag. It reminds me of him. Of him, in the fuzzy black and white picture as a young boy, bravely in uniform, whose world was about to drastically change. Of him, as it draped neatly over a gorgeous wooden casket that I never thought I’d see. Of him, in the face of a young soldier, looking deeply into the tear filled eyes of my grandmother, who then handed her the perfectly folded triangle with a final salute. Of him, as it now sits, folded into a neat wooden frame, preserved in a quiet space in their home.
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It was a year ago today and I was at the beach, waiting for the news that I knew may be coming. I ran along the water, day after day, choking on the salty tears that were streaming from my face.
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It was April 5th. Or maybe it was the 4th.
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Who the hell cares? (That’s what he would say.)
This day wasn’t important before and I refuse to allow myself for it to be a day of mourning now. This day marks simply a loss of time, and today is one year later.
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Today is April 5th.
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I didn’t cry today. What the hell good is that going to do you? (There’s his voice again.)
I thought him often though and each time, rather than mourn, I deliberately thought of something wonderful.
I thought of him leaning back, two feet of his chair on the floor, a toothpick in his mouth, scratching and patting his belly with a hand short of fingers. Laughing. Lots of memories of laughing. I can close my eyes and hear it now. Thank you, Pop Pop, for reminding me to always laugh… and laugh loud.
I thought of him unloading refinished wooden school desks into our house. A surprise from him so that we could play school more authentically. Thank you, Pop Pop, for that early influence in education. I loved those beautiful wooden desks.
I thought of dogs. And how for weeks after he died, every stray or lost dog in the neighborhood somehow found it’s way to me. And then I’d hear his cackling laugh in the wind and smile. Thank you, Pop Pop, for these strange oddities.
I thought of the incidents… the scares since he’s been gone. My dad’s accident, the night my son fell unconscious, birthday surprises….. and how his strength is always felt somewhere, everywhere,… reminding me. Thank you, Pop Pop, for watching over us all.
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Today is April 5th.
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I thought of mopeds and white socks and cracked windows and cigarettes and bookshelves and bubble gum and airplanes and fishing and twisted mustaches and boats and foot rubs and toy chests and old cars and coffee cups and wrapping paper and hearing aides and speeding tickets and Henry Ford and lawn mowers and pizza and country music and hair grease and memories and memories and memories of …. lots and lots of laughing. We were always laughing.
There were very few tears today. Atta girl, Kristian. (Thank you.) Life is for the living. (I know.)
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Today is April 5th. Thank you for the wonderful memories. Thank you for filling my life with laughter and love.
“I’m gonna walk with my granddaddy… and he’ll match me step for step. I’ll tell him that I missed him every minute since he’d left. And then I’ll hug his neck…” ` George Teren and Rivers Rutherford
~K
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