April 4, 2010 – Happy Easter

Bright colors…

Beautiful moments.

 

Happy Easter.

~K

April 3, 2010 – Making Memories

Another little girl….

And her grandpa…

Spending time…

By the water…

Made my heart…

Smile softly today.
~K

April 2, 2010 – A life of Goodness

“If I didn’t love you so much, I don’t think it would be hurting so badly to say goodbye…” –

There’s the positive… I love him so much.  Without that, this pain would not be so bad, which would be nice right now, but then who would I be?   What would I have missed out on?

I’m grateful for all of the goodness our lives together gave. 

~K

April 1, 2010 – Getting there

Today I am trying harder to do better.

Today I pointed out a yellow mustang to my boy.  We played with trucks.  And I really played along.   We talked of tools and I watched a baby face light up with enjoyment when I told him the fix it stories of his great grandpa and tools.

Today, I did not let my daughter see me cry.   I told her I was just as excited about the Easter bunny.  And I am.  We celebrated her last day of school this morning.  Then sent her to school giggling.

--------------------------------------------
I will take Easter and notice the sparkle in their eyes.  It is a time I cannot get back.  I will make an April Fool’s Day joke with her before she goes to sleep.  I will dance tomorrow with both of them.

I am doing differently.  Grieving differently.  Trying to regain footing and I think slowly getting there… or at least moving in the right direction.

~K

March 31, 2010 – Some kind of Certainty

I am uncertain about so very much right now.   I am trying to hear a voice, see a sign, feel a certainty… and I doubt everything.

Am I doing the right thing?   Have I done the right thing?     And unsinkable ships do, in fact, sink.  Apparently when you least expect it.

I spend time each day reinforcing the importance of positivity and taking notice and appreciating hope and on and on and on.   I really do try to be genuine with what it is that I write about.   

So how then… did I find myself in this position?  Of wondering if I said it enough… showed it enough… of wondering if someone so important to me knows how huge of an impact they played in my life? 

I cry.  And sleep.  And eat. (Note to self… It would be nice to handle this sadness by quitting eating rather than visiting every Mexican restaurant in town trying to drown my grief in guacamole.)

Am I a fraud?   How can I be so uncertain?   Am I fooling myself trying to think one way or another?  Am I over thinking it?  Is my mind playing tricks on me? Bottom line.  I am a mess.

And so I then I cry.   I reapply makeup.   Cry some more.   Beg God, the Universe, my parents… for some kind of answer….  some kind of feeling, anything.  I’ve been doing this for a week now, grieving, questioning, mourning…while my grandfather dies.  

A few hours ago, my little girl looked at me in my eyes and said so simply, with such heartfelt words:

“It bothers me when you’re so upset mommy.”

So much for hiding things.  

Then, my little boy has had nightmares all night and trouble sleeping.  Could it be anything?   Sure.   But could it also very easily be due to the fact he watched my display of overflowing tears all day today…. and yesterday….and the day before, helping through confusion, wipe my tears with his baby hands?   Most likely.

And so then it happened.  

That’s when I heard it -  your voice, crystal clear, my Pop Pop.  When you in some way, through some deep indelible print you’ve left on my memory, … spoke to me.  I heard your voice, sternly speaking to me.

“Quit upsetting your damn kids.”

I know.  My a-ha moment from you.  Hardly profound.   To the point.  Laced with inappropriate language.  Very serious when referring to the welfare of children.  But that’s how I knew they were your words.   Words that I know you would say.  Words that I have  heard you say in other situations.  

And then I checked my email and there was a message that said simply, ‘Allow yourself to feel what you know is true.”

There it was.   My some kind of certainty.   Today’s small bit of positive.  I will quit upsetting my kids.  And I will make sure they have a wonderful Easter… full of many loving and funny stories of their great grandfather, one of the greatest men there ever was, because the only memories they will have of him are the ones that I provide...and he is too good to taint that goodness they deserve to hear about with any more sadness.

All for today.

~K

March 30, 2010 – Luck and Love

"How lucky I am to have known someone who is so hard to say goodbye to." – Anonymous

 

A 2 year old’s first big boy haircut, children excited about the beach and the Easter bunny, a husband who contently and calmly walks by my side while I grumble and cry for days, a forecast to shine warm sun onto my weary body, a dog who didn’t eat the dinner off of the table, a five year old who dresses up in gowns to watch reality tv with me, good friends who get it and without any explanation, love and wrap their arms around me….… tulips, daffodils, warm beds, new shoes, a soft belly…

And all of this is wonderful.  And positive.  
And I’m still sad. 

And so… for today, I think of how lucky I am to have had such an amazing force of nature, such a loving, funny, caring, involved, grandfather.  Someone who taught me how to be without ever saying ‘this is how you should be…’ … and now, most importantly, someone who is incredibly hard for me to say goodbye to.

How lucky I am… I wonder if he knows, - I mean really knows.  I wonder if I thanked him enough…for making me such a lucky girl.

~K

March 29, 2010 – Perspective

I’ve been running lately.  Trying to tone up a few not so tone areas and get ready to be in a bathing suit… soon.

I’ve been avoiding trying on said bathing suit for fear of those not so tone areas.

My daughter brought home her schoolwork today. In it was a ‘poem’ titled, “My Mom”.  It went like this:

My mommy is nice.

My mom is cool.

My mom is soft.

My mom is comfy.

Today’s entry was easy enough.  It’s all in the perspective.   What was to me dreaded areas, parts of my body where I fixated on the flab… is to my five year old, … mom.  Soft. and comfy.

I’ll take it.

~K